Apparently our relationship wasn’t worth fighting for.
When I was living in South Africa, I was in a relationship that was once very strong, but had begun to show a multitude of weaknesses. Her dedication to me was faltering and I was quickly being thrown in to panic mode.
I was struggling to come to terms with the situation and thinking myself in circles about how to get our love back on the right track. Then one day as I went to use the shower, I noticed she had posted this sign on the back of the door. It hit me like a ton of bricks. “If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they’re yours…” I thought about it for a while, in fact, most of the day. The words rattled over and over through my mind. I mean, I knew I loved her and was pretty sure she still loved me- was I too smothering? Is that what she was trying to tell me? Did she need a break from “us”? Did she want me to set her free from our relationship. as the poster suggested?
Later on that night we discussed our situation, and I indeed set her free with every expectation of her coming back. She never did. I have to admit, I think I got some bad advice from the seagull on the back of the door. Ever since then I cringe when someone offers similar advice, not because I regret the decision, but because I don’t believe it.
Listen, that night I sat there and watched someone I loved walk out the door. I just sat there! Lesson learned.
Don’t trust the seagull. What I also learned from that night is our relationship apparently wasn’t important enough for me to fight for- don’t let this be you. Love is so important in our lives. If you meet the girl of your dreams, you HAVE to fight for her. It might take you days, weeks, months, or even years, but if you know in your heart that she’s the one, don’t just sit back and watch her walk out the door. Be a man, stand up for your relationship, and fight to the death.
I never believed this saying. If I let someone go it means that they are not worth fighting for so why should they fight for me? Alot of people I know have recently been ending relationships. You set someone free because you are not meant to be with that person. You don’t set them free to see if they will fight for you. They should be showing you this everyday. It seems to me that letting this woman go was good. You weren’t setting her free. In my opinion you were setting yourself free from someone who wasn’t worth fighting for because she ceased to show her fight for you. I love this blog by the way
I agree, Vanessa. Looking back, I am a better person because of it, but it was a tough pill to swallow at the time. Thanks for all your kind words!
Great post! My husband and I seperated over some pretty major issues ten years ago. I set him free. Two years later, he returned, and our love has never been stronger.
I know the feeling, and I recognize that you have to fight for it. I’m in a similar position right now, and I realize that fighting is a weird mixture of standing up for what you want, and letting them have their space to figure out that what they want is you. If they don’t come back, it really wasn’t meant to be, but if you don’t speak up, you’ll always have regrets. Catch 22?
During college (before we were married), my husband and I went through a very difficult time. He ended things with me, we got back together, I ended things with him.. we didn’t get back together. I did a lot of stupid things and made a lot of bad decisions. And then when I really, really needed him, when he didn’t even KNOW I needed him.. I randomly got a text from him. I saw him that night, and we’ve been together ever since. Sometimes the relationship needs to take different paths before it finds the right one. So in a sense, we both set each other free.. but we both came back.
Perhaps the saying should not be taken so literally. Each person in a partnership has to have the freedom to follow their dreams. If you can do this together, giving unconditional love, then you have indeed found your ‘soul mate.’ But if your love demands that someone has to ‘clip their wings,’ or compromise their dreams too much, then the relationship is going to struggle. We set off in our love relationships with very high hopes. We are consumed by love and believe that we were ‘meant to be,’ that ‘nothing else matters’ than to be together. But eventually reality sets in. You are still the same person before you met your partner; just with an expanded heart and soul because you have dared to believe that unconditional love is possible. And it is. Letting your love go free, doesn’t mean letting them walk out the door and never coming back. It means (to me) that they are firmly cemented in your heart, and if they go away, or indeed, live far away from you, they are ALWAYS there inside you; no matter what. Just thinking about them makes you heart expand and fill with unconditional love. If they walk away and never come back; then that was a soul connection that wasn’t meant to be. But once you have experienced that feeling of overwhelming love, and the subsequent terrible loss, you know what you are looking for next time … and you won’t compromise again.
What an amazingly deep response. Every word rings true in my mind. You have qualified and expressed the meaning behind the words of letting one’s love go so beautifully here. I read it twice over because there is so much wisdom in what you have said. Thank you for sharing!
I’m sad to say that I’m one those – too scared to fight
Don’t give up Elo. Every time you feel a loss, or pain in a relationship, it is reminding you that there is still something better worth striving for. Hopefully you will get to that stage of unconditional love, with the partner you have got. If not, there are millions of other souls out there, looking for the right magic connection. Your soul will recognise it when you find it. Remember there are all kinds of love relationships – you can find unconditional love everywhere, if you set aside your fears, and dare to look. And dare to love unconditionally yourself.
Well put, Amanda. The pain is a reminder that whatever, it is worth fighting for. If you’re not feeling anything, then you really don’t care. Feel it, don’t be afraid of it, and love it.