Taken from the “Ask Sabatino” portion of this site:
Dear Sabatino:
My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years now and have been discussing the idea of marriage. Lately I have caught him on an Internet dating site after I’ve gone to bed, but when I confront him about it he says he’s just bored and can’t sleep. I am not a jealous girlfriend, but we have a kid together and I’m afraid he’s losing interest in me. I don’t think he’s cheating, but I don’t understand why he can’t just talk to me or his friends on facebook. Am I wrong for wanting him to stop? I don’t want him to think I’m controlling. Please help!
M.J.
Hello, M.J.!
Your situation isn’t completely uncommon! Since the recent explosion of online relationships has made Internet dating sites so readily available, I’ve been hearing of a lot more instances where one person in a relationship is spending much of their free time browsing through profiles rather than talking to their significant others. Here’s my take, and possibly the harsh reality.
It is perfectly normal to crave conversation outside of your relationship, especially if your spouse is the only one you have contact with day in and day out. However, seeking companionship on a dating site while involved in a committed relationship is a slap in the face to you, your child, and your bond as boyfriend and girlfriend. Many experts will argue the fine line of what is considered as “cheating”, and though he may not be physically meeting these women in person, holding conversations in a venue established for building such relationships shows complete disrespect for your situation.
If you are writing me, then obviously this means a great deal to you, and suggests that you must do something about it. If I may suggest sitting him down and telling him how you feel about it. Explain to him that you understand his need for alternative conversation and offer up some healthier suggestions. While it’s widely known that Facebook doesn’t have a much better reputation, chatting with mutual friends seems like a much better alternative than attracting strange women from the meat market (dating sites).
Listen, I know this is a touchy subject, but you already have a child with him and are contemplating marriage. In my opinion, I wouldn’t make that move until you’re absolutely sure this is out of his system. Marriage can’t fix problems, it can only enhance the strengths your relationship already has- but those problems will resurface, leaving you and your child high and dry. If he doesn’t respect you now, he’ll never respect your union together. Please, be aware.
We all slip up from time to time, and sometimes we hurt the ones we love without ever thinking about it, so give him a chance to change. But if he isn’t willing, then he’s not dedicated to you and I would proceed with extreme caution. I hope that helps, and good luck to the both of you!
Sincerely,
Sabatino @ hotcupoflove
“If he doesn’t respect you now, he’ll never respect your union together” – so true…
And I sure hope M.J. takes your advice!
Thanks, me too! It certainly sounds like she could use it.
Great advice… Wish I had read this five years ago!
Thank you. We have all been in those situations we wish we would have seen a little more clearly at the time.
Ooo Sabatino, you never fail to woo me with your straightforward comments on love & the issues that accompany it. Love this!
haha well thank you, Kate! How are you doing?
excellent advice Sabatino
LjS, I’ve missed your comments! I thought maybe you had found some other incredibly handsom Italian man’s blog to read. Thanks so much, and hope you’re doing well!